The Last of the "Firsts"

With Valentine's Day upon us, I believe this is the last of the "firsts" without Amy before the first year is upon us.  Valentine's Day was never a really big thing for us.  It was always tough with Amy's work schedule and the kids, but I was surprised to see on my list of things that we actually went out eight of our ten Valentine's together.  One of them we were snowed in, and not really sure about the other.  I hate to be one of those people that says we shouldn't need one special day to celebrate with our loved ones, but it's true.  We both felt that way, but it was still nice to have a reason to get all dressed up and go out together.

Three of the ten Valentine's Days stand out the most to me.  Obviously our first one together, 2013, and last year.  For our first Valentine's Day we went to the place of our first date, Jaleo in Bethesda.  In 2013 we closed on our dream/forever home here in Adamstown, and then went out to lunch together at Brewer's Alley.

At first glance, last year wasn't really anything special, but looking back now I'm not sure we could have had a more perfect Valentine's Day.  Amy's aunt and uncle were nice enough to take the kids for the day, so we actually had some time at home to ourselves.  We went out to dinner at our favorite restaurant in downtown Frederick, Cacique, where we enjoyed some margaritas.  After dinner we went to Brewer's Alley for a beer.  While sitting at the bar there was a fairly intoxicated gentleman sitting next to us.  Like any drunk person would, he felt the need to strike up a conversation with us.  He proceeded to tell us what a cute couple we were, and how we seemed so happy together.  It really was very nice of him to say (over and over), but seriously dude we're on a date here, can you leave us alone?

One of the things that makes me most sad about last Valentine's Day is that we never got to exchange cards.  We pretty much never exchanged gifts for Valentine's Day, and I refused to spend a ridiculous amount of money on flowers when you can buy the exact same flowers the week before or after for a quarter the price.  So early on we decided that a card with a personal message written in it would suffice.  My card to her is still sitting on my dresser, and mine on hers.  Neither one of us ever got around to even writing a message in them.  I wish I had taken the time to write her a message and let her know how happy I was to be spending our 10th Valentine's together.

Lastly, last Valentine's Day was my last hair cut.  Amy cut my hair for the first and only time.  For some reason I have always hated hair cuts.  First, there's the awkward social situation where you're forced into small talk with someone you really have no interest in talking to.  Second, I'm too cheap to pay for a good one, and I was tired of shelling out money to places like Sports Clips and Hair Cuttery for a shitty hair cut.  I decided enough was enough, so I went out and bought a pair of clippers vowing to never pay for a hair cut again.  Why pay $20-25 for a shitty hair cut when Amy can probably do an equally shitty job for free.  I never intended to grow my hair long, it just kind of happened.  By the time I realized I was due for another hair cut, I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  Mostly because of the fact that I knew Amy was the last one to cut it.  I know it's a silly thing to hold onto but for some reason I have.  The funny part is that I don't doubt for a second that Amy would hate my hair the way it looks right now.

Our Engagement

Ten years ago today I got down on one knee at the Wollman Ice Skating Rink in Central Park and asked the love of my life to be my wife.  It was such a surreal moment that I will never forget, but at the same time I feel like I can barely remember.  I was so nervous.  I wasn't nervous because I thought she would say no, but I was nervous because I wanted it to be perfect.  You really only get one shot at something like that, and I didn't want to mess it up.  I didn't have anything actually planned or rehearsed.  I just figured I would say what felt right at that moment and go with it.  My knees were shaking and my voice was cracking.  It's definitely one of those moments I wish I could have recorded so I can remember exactly what I said and be able to relive it for ever.

As I've mentioned before in other Facebook and blog posts, I knew within the first 2-3 months that I was going to marry Amy.  We both did.  It just became a matter of how and when would be the right time to propose.  As funny as this will sound to everyone, we had already started talking about possible wedding dates before we were even engaged.  It was just one of the many things we'd stay up late talking about.  We just so happened to notice that 9/9/06 fell on a Saturday so that became the day we wanted to get married.  (Unfortunately our preferred venue for the reception was not available that day which is why we ended up going with 9/2/06.  We figured that was a good date as well since we'd share the same anniversary as Terry and Barb.)  With a September wedding in the forecast I knew I would have to do it some time in late fall or early winter.  I'd never really thought about what my "dream proposal" would be, so it was tough to come up with a good idea.

One of the first ideas I had was to take Amy on a hike and do it then, but we were getting into winter and it was starting to get cold.  Also, this may have been an engagement I would like, but I'm not so sure it would have been something she would have dreamed of.  In early November we started planning an overnight trip to New York City with Matt and Lisa for the weekend before Christmas, and immediately I knew this was going to be the perfect opportunity.  Amy loved New York, especially at Christmas time, which is why we were planning the trip.  I had to let Matt and Lisa in on the secret since they'd be with us and I wanted to make sure we had everything coordinated.  I came up with three different plans.  Plan A was to do it while ice skating at Rockefeller Center.  This plan was a long shot because it was a week before Christmas and we knew the line would be ridiculous.  They only let 150 people on the ice at a time for one and a half hour increments, and we didn't want to waste an entire day in NYC waiting in line.  Plan B was to do it while ice skating at the Wollman Rink in Central Park.  This one seemed a little more doable since there was no limit to the number of people they allow on the rink at once and there was no time limit.  Finally, if it came down to it, Plan C was to do it Sunday morning at Serendipity 3.  Amy and I loved the movie "Serendipity", and we always said that it was serendipity that brought us together.

We left Rockville bright and early, and made our way to the hotel to drop off our car and luggage.  First stop was Times Square for the standard tourist photo.  Almost immediately I thought my cover had been blown.  I had to carry the ring around with me all day, and didn't want to put it in my pants pocket so I put it in the inside pocket of my jacket near my chest.  As we lined up for the picture Amy placed her hand on my chest right where the ring box was.  In a state of panic I immediately grabbed her hand and held it for the picture.  I was so nervous that she felt it and would know what it was, but after the fact she swears she never actually felt the ring box.

Next stop was the family favorite, Carmine's, for a late lunch/early dinner.  Once we finished up lunch it was go time!  So on to Rockefeller Center we went to see if we could execute Plan A.  Of course, as expected, it was something like a two hour wait to get on the ice.  I really wanted to propose to Amy there, but there's no way I was going to wait two hours when there was so much more we could be doing in NYC.  After all, that's why there was Plan B.  So off to Central Park we went.

I don't remember exactly how long we had to wait in line to get on the ice, but it wasn't bad at all.  We got our skates laced up and hit the ice.  The anxiety was really starting to set in that this was really going to happen.  The four of us skated around for a while just enjoying the moment.  Eventually I pulled Matt aside and we went around the ice a few times while we discussed a plan.  The plan was for the Corrigans to come up with a reason to leave the ice, and then Amy and I would go around the ice three times and stop near the hockey goals.  This would give them time to get to a spot where they could spy on us and try to take some pictures.  Like I said, I really wish I could remember exactly what I said at that very moment, but I guess the only thing that really matters is what she said, "Yes!"

 I don't think I got to talk to Amy for the next 2-3 hours as she called and texted everyone she knew to spread the news (oh the things we had to do before social media).  Once everyone was notified we were able to celebrate with some food and drinks at the Joshua Tree Bar.  We ended the trip by having breakfast and fancy coffees/hot chocolates at Serendipity 3 the next morning.  It was a great way to end a perfect weekend in NYC, and to think it all began with a fortunate accident, a prank phone call.

F*#@ You 2015!!

Those that know me well know that I don't like the band Phish.  I don't love the Phish.  I am extremely obsessed with the band Phish.  Whenever they're on tour I will find a pirated stream of that night's show so I can listen to it live.  I download and listen to every show.  I don't get to go to as many live shows as I would like being a responsible adult and all, but I can usually get to 2-3 shows a year depending on when/where they're playing.  They almost always do a two day run at Merriweather Post Pavilion here in Maryland every summer.  They also like to play in the Hampton/Portsmouth, VA area which works out well since one of my best friends, Justin (who I converted into a phan), lives down that way.  I would say that 80% of the music I listen to is Phish.  I've even brainwashed my kids into liking Phish.  It's not uncommon for us to get in the car and one of them request I play Tweezer or Harry Hood or Run Like An Antelope.

Back on April 7th I had a dream that I was at a New Year's Eve party of some sort and I was surrounded by a bunch of random people.  At midnight I had no one to kiss, but I found a random girl and she gave me a hug. She must have been sad about something too because she was crying uncontrollably as well.  For the longest time I couldn't figure out what this dream meant.

Fast forward to July 10th.  I'm counting down the days til Phish's summer tour kicks off and getting my Trey fix by watching clips of the Fare Thee Well shows on YouTube.  Then it hit me.  I immediately text my buddy Justin, "I'm telling you right now, if Phish plays NYE in NYC this year I'm going."  Like any enabling good friend his response was, "I'm holding you to that!!"  Seeing Phish on New Year's Eve has always been a top 10, maybe even top 5, bucket list item for me.  The one thing that was always keeping me from ever going was that I would never even think of spending a New Year's Eve away from Amy.  Amy was never really that into Phish, and it was something I never tried to force on her.  She tolerated it because I liked it, and made her listen to it in the car.  Besides, I kind of liked having my own thing that I could do with my friends.

The one big problem is that getting tickets to their New Year's Eve show, as well as their Halloween show (also on the bucket list), is virtually impossible.  Phish has a limited number of their own tickets that they sell via a lottery system, and then the rest are sold on TicketMaster.  If you've ever tried to buy a ticket to a hot show on TicketMaster, you know how hard it is to get through.  After that you're stuck with third party ticketing sites like StubHub, and those tickets can be 2-4 times face value.  So I had to put my hopes and dreams on the line with the lottery system.  I, of course, put in a request for two tickets as well as my mom, sister, and Justin.  I wasn't really going to get my hopes up, but if it was meant to be then it would happen.

Phish phans have got the timing of the lotto system down to a science.  If the lotto sign up period ends on a certain day then, if you won, you can expect to see a pending transaction on your credit card x days later.  It's basically just a way to find out if you won a little before you receive the official email.  People on the Phish message board I frequent were starting to report that they had pending transactions on their credit card so I of course kept checking every few hours but nothing showed up.  Mom and Angie just happened to be down visiting me around this time so I had them log onto their accounts to see if they had anything.  Angie checked hers and there was nothing.  With my hopes dwindling Mom started logging into her account and I said, "We'd probably have better luck winning the actual lottery."  A few seconds later Mom let out shriek and said, "Phish tickets!  Phish tickets!  I have a pending charge from Phish tickets!"

So as fate would have it, I will be in Madison Square Garden on New Year's Eve surrounded by 20,000 random people and another one of my best friends, Craig.  It goes without saying that 2015 was by far the worst year of my life.  It's impossible for me to celebrate New Year's Eve how I'd like, but this is the next best way possible.  To that I say, FUCK YOU 2015!!  You may have beat me down, but I'm going out on top.  Bring on 2016!!

Best Friend

So it looks like I've gone just over two months without a post.  Coincidentally enough, the last post was the day after school started.  Since school started things have been really hectic around here.  Both kids are involved in soccer.  Tyler started religious education.  We spent a week in Disney in September.  Followed up with 4 days in the hospital for me with another week of recovery at home.  I have no clue what happened to October.  I just feel like I've been treading water and struggling to stay afloat.  Almost like I'm in survival mode, and just doing what needs to be done to get by.  By the time evening rolls around I'm exhausted and just want to crash on the couch for a little even though I have every intention of writing up a new post.  I've got the ideas.  I've just been too lazy.  Much props to all the single parents out there getting it done.  It is not easy.

These past two months have been some of the toughest months so far as well.  So many painful moments and firsts without Amy.  The kids' first day of school.  What would have been our 9th wedding anniversary.  The trip to Disney.  Not having her around while I was sick to take care of me.  Lyla's 4th birthday party.  We had our pictures done with Katie.  The first wedding I attended without her.  The list goes on and on.  Thankfully I've had some amazing people help me get through these tough times.  My friend Ashley was nice enough to drop everything and spend the night in the hospital with me when I had my surgery.  My friends from the Y, Kat, Jenny, and Allison, took me out to lunch on our anniversary.  My mom took two weeks off from work to take care of the kids while I was in the hospital and recovering.  I even had a great supporting cast of people help me get through the wedding last weekend.  I have some great and amazing friends who have been wonderful, but I don't have that person that I can share everything with.

While of course I miss Amy my wife and Amy the mother of my two children;  I miss Amy my best friend the most.  I miss having someone that I can confide in.  Someone that I can share everything with.  Every night I sit on the couch and watch TV in silence, and look over at the recliner and wish I could just tell her about my day.  Tell her the funny thing that Tyler or Lyla said/did, or how mad one of them made me.  I wish I could tell her when someone was annoying me, or vent about a bad day I had.  I've always considered myself to be an onion with many layers.  Information is given out on a need to know basis.  From the beginning Amy had a knife and was able to cut right to the center.  She was able to get me to open up about anything and everything.  The first few months we were together we'd stay up all hours of the night just talking, sharing, and really getting to know each other.  There is no person on this planet that knows me as well as Amy did.  No one.  As someone recently pointed out to me, "Some people never find a love like that. Ever."  I'm just so very thankful that I was lucky enough to experience that.

SAHD

Four years ago today was my last day of paid employment.  Four years ago today I walked away from my job as an IT Administrator to become a stay at home dad.  Looking back on that decision now it was either the smartest thing I ever did or the dumbest; depending on how you want to look at it.

From the time Amy and I started dating we had always joked about the fact that I would one day be a stay at home dad.  She was working for Ernst and Young at the time, and she would always talk about how some day she would become partner and I could stay home with the kids.  In theory it sounded amazing to me, but it was more or less a pipe dream at the time.  Amy had only been working at E&Y for 2 years and she was a long way away from making partner.

In September 2010, after 7 long years at E&Y, Amy accepted a manager position at Fannie Mae in their Financial Reporting department.  It came with a significant pay increase, and for once the idea of me staying home was starting to become a reality.  Not wanting to rush into it, for obvious reasons, we decided I would continue to work until we had our second child.  This would give Amy some time to make sure she liked her new job, and give us a chance to save some money.  By February 2011 we found out that we were going to be parents again and that baby Riggs #2 would be born in October 2011.

When we started telling people I would be staying home with the kids it was met with mixed reviews.  There were the people who were like, "Oh wow, that's awesome!  You're so lucky you can do that."  Then of course there's always going to be the people who are like, "What about your career?  What about all those years of lost earning potential?"  My response to them was always, "Who gives a shit?"  I never really enjoyed my career in IT, and besides, it was undoubtedly what was best for our family.  Amy (for some reason) actually liked her career as an accountant and she was damn good at it too.  Four times a year for four weeks at quarter end Amy would work 70-80 hours a week.  I used to joke that I would become a single parent during those times.  Now with me staying home I could take care of all the day to day housework during the week, and it would free up our nights and weekends for fun stuff instead of laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc.  Day care is pretty freaking expensive too, so it just didn't make sense for me to essentially work to pay for day care.

Now here I am four years later, and I really am a single dad.  I don't doubt for a second that the last four years have prepared me for what lies ahead.  I am so thankful that I made the decision to stay home because it has helped make the past five months a little easier.  For the most part our daily routine hasn't changed all that much.  I still do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, and taking care of the kids.  I could not imagine being in the situation I am now if I had been a hands off dad/husband for all these years.

Then there's the other side.  The side that makes me think that giving up my career maybe wasn't all that smart of an idea.  Here I am a single dad of two small children, a beautiful house, and no job.  Four years removed from the technology field can seem like a lifetime when it comes to advancements in the industry.  Of course I haven't stayed up to date because I never really envisioned I would have to go back to work.  As long as Amy had her job and could support us, I would be staying home.  I really have no idea what lies ahead for me, but I want to do my damnedest to at least stay home another two years until Lyla starts kindergarten.  It's what we wanted for our family.

Memories

I've come to realize and accept that Lyla probably won't have too many memories of Amy.  It makes me very sad to think that she won't really know her own mother.  Tyler being two and a half years older definitely has a lot more memories than Lyla.

I'm currently reading a book titled Two Kisses for Maddy written by Matthew Logelin.  Long story short, his wife passes away from a pulmonary embolism 27 hours after giving birth to their daughter.  She never even got to hold her.  Matt vows that he will honor his wife and help create memories for Maddy by sharing stories of her, and taking her to all of their special places.  Shameless plug, this book is amazing.  I am by no means an avid reader, but I've been unable to put it down.  Definitely an extreme tear jerker that I can closely relate to being a widower and single parent.

With our beach trip to Ocean City next week we've begun to share stories about past beach trips.  Yesterday while at the pool with Jessica we were talking about our plans for the beach.  Just as sure as if she remembered being there Lyla says, "Hey remember that time we were at the beach and mommy...".  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  I can't remember exactly what year it was but I'm pretty sure Lyla was only 10 months old at the time, so I know she doesn't have an actual memory of it.  She just heard us tell the story a few days before and she remembered the story.  I was so proud, but so saddened at the same time.  That's when it really hit me that I need to make sure I help create memories of Amy for these kids as they grow.  I need to make sure they hear all the stories of how wonderful she was, all the things she did, and all the things we got to experience together.

The Ocean City trip is definitely going to be a really tough one for me.  We'll be staying in the same house we always stayed at.  Eating the same Thrasher's fries.  Going to the same Dumser's every night for milk shakes and ice cream.  The only difference is that we'll be doing it without Amy.  We had so many years of fun, memorable trips there together.  My first OC Senior Week in '05.  My first year staying at the Porch in '05.  Throwing out my back in '10, and Amy taking care of me.  The blue moon in '12.  I even have memories of events that took place before I was around because I've heard the stories so many times.  Just like Tyler and Lyla will have memories from stories they've heard so many times.

Once In A Blue Moon

Once in a blue moon is an expression that is commonly used to describe an event that does not happen very often.  Scientifically speaking we know that a blue moon occurs when there are two full moons within the same calendar month.  Doing all sorts of math that you're not here to read about, a blue moon occurs once every 2-3 years.  Today, July 31, 2015, marks the first blue moon since August 31, 2012.  At the time there really wasn't anything special about August 31, 2012, but looking back it's a moment in time I'll cherish forever and never forget.  I stumbled upon this Dr. Seuss quote the day I started writing this post that perfectly summed up that night; "Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment, until it becomes a memory."

We were in Ocean City, MD with Amy's family for our annual Family Fun Beach Week as we normally did at the end of August.  We put the kids to bed, and I made my way out to the beach with my camera and tripod to take pictures of the full/blue moon.  After a little while Amy came out to join me.  Having two small children it wasn't very often that we got a moment to ourselves.  We sat on the beach talking, laughing, and watching the waves roll in.  I don't know what it was about being on a beach, but I feel like we always had a great connection there.  For some reason I feel like that was the one place she would always really open up to me.  I continued taking pictures of the moon, and even took a bunch of pictures of the two of us.  I took one of my favorite pictures of the two of us that night.  Amy in her favorite tie dye and me in my favorite Phish shirt.  It couldn't have been any more perfect.

When I first started writing this post I thought it would be clever to say something like, the love that Amy and I had for each other was something that only comes along once in a blue moon.  The more I thought about it I realized that would imply it could happen again and I don't think that's possible.